Summer Fades to Autumn Once More

Fall is my favorite season, but it really only edges out the other seasons by a smidge. I love spring, summer and I even love winter...though I confess much of my winter love is colored by Christmas and Valentine's day...;)

I feel like we hit the ground running into summer this year, and we really packed it full of happy memories. I wouldn't call it a restful and relaxing summer, though, and I'm a leeeeeetle bit concerned that I haven't properly "recharged". Usually by now, I feel rested and recharged and ready to take on a new year of school and the busyness of the holidays. Usually by now, my school supplies are all ready and I've been giddily planning for weeks. Usually by now, I've already decided on themed gifts for Christmas.

I wonder if the darkness of last summer--and in fact, this whole year--pushed me to try and frantically eat up every sunny golden moment. As much as it was busy, it was also very blessed. It may not have been relaxing all the time, but it sure was fun! I'm concerned that I will burn out quickly, having not fully recovered, but I am also grateful to have been so *present* this summer. And on the other hand, perhaps the lack of 'recharge' I feel is due to the very exhausting events of the past year. It's interesting, to me, how one of the most painful years of my life produced one of the best summers.



We started easing back into more formal school this week, and I am happy with our baby steps back. I have much to share, for things are changing and I have taken on quite a lot. It will be stretching, and good. We are in a transition year in more ways than one. This is Sparrow's last year of elementary school, and we are trying new things and making decisions about old things.

One last look at summer, however, before the leaves turn and the days darken and we are in the thick of learning and life...I want to treasure the sacred and beautiful moments we were given.



Nearly ever day, we did *something* summery. Many days that just meant a dip in our complex's pool. Often, we walked a few blocks down to a local park and played with neighborhood families. I also made it a goal to visit a new or not-often visited park or beach at least once a week.



We also did plenty of...

...shopping at farmer's markets and visiting cultural or local sites--for fun and in fitting with our educational philosophy that all of life is learning and experiencing.


We had many playdates with friends...I feel as though I wanted more, even, and a few friends we only saw once or twice all summer. But overall, I believe we are blessed to overflowing with a diversity of friendships.




We even went camping with some friends...



...and made LOTS of s'mores! Or "snores", as Ginger called 'em...this particular picture was not taken during a camping trip, but at our "end of summer" family BBQ.


Speaking of family, we added quite a few new members! Two babies born and three weddings, one of which the girls participated in...


And the girls even starred in their own physical comic book which culminated in a themed birthday party.


It was a beautiful summer...full of happy memories. Stark, in contrast to the painful things going on around me; but beautiful nonetheless. A friend once quoted that she believed beauty will save the world, and in a way it's very true. Beauty certainly carried me through a difficult season, and I am humbled and grateful to the Lord for such a gift.

So goodbye, bittersweet summer. Summer which was mostly sweet, and always busy. Autumn is knocking at my door, and I feel readier to embrace its different beauty.

Telling the Truth

Recently I've heard some things about myself and my family that would be amusing, as they are utterly ridiculous, if it wasn't being passed around, assumed, etc. and being used to damage relationships and malign our characters. Things like, I'm just trying to be divisive, or have some kind of agenda or vendetta against a particular person so I'm just trying to destroy their lives. Things like, we like drama for the sake of it, and are bringing up something from the past already gone and done and taken care of. Things like, we are here for vengeance and making ourselves feel better, not for love and reconciliation. Things like, we didn't come to a wedding because there was a child out of wedlock.

All totally rubbish of course; and if any of the people thinking and saying these things would but ask to hear our hearts, I know it would be cleared up in two seconds flat. But apparently people prefer to close off their minds and hearts and ears. Apparently, people think it's acceptable and ok to rip a beloved grandchild out of the arms of her doting grandma, whisking her out of the room while shooting that grandma evil looks and slamming the door in her face, much to her bewilderment.

"There are two sides to every story." A wise man listens to both before making his determination of what to believe and what to do. Since things that have been going on for the past six years (for me, only three, as I only became aware of it three years ago) have recently become public, it's interesting to me who is choosing to ignore one side. I can kind of understand, though. When I first became aware, I was in shock, and while I didn't exactly disbelieve, I was sure, based on what I knew of the person in question, that there was more to it. So I listened, or tried to. For six months I tried to reach out and kept my interactions inclusive, loving and understanding.

Soon it became clear that there was no interest in repentance, reparation, or reconciliation or even discussing what had really happened, though it was implied and then confirmed that the 'side' of the story I had heard was correct. In fact, I was told that overtures had already been made and things had already been done to correct the problem, so three years after the fact, why was I even bringing it up? Unfortunately, those claims of correction were easy to prove false. And then, a series of past events was revealed and further present events unfolded before me that brought into sharp focus what we were really dealing with.

It's amazing the lengths people go to enable their own sin to continue.

"Therefore, if your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector." Matthew 18:15-17

Fast forward to now...we learned of a greater, deeper involvement a few months ago, and through much prayer and wise counsel, tried to live out our beliefs. Grace. Mercy. Truth. Justice. Compassion. Understanding. Matthew 18. I can say, with an absolute clear conscience, that neither I nor the family members pursuing true and actual reconciliation acted in a manner unbecoming to Christ. I can say with absolute conviction and surety that we were all following the lead of the Holy Spirit in this matter. The truth must be told; to protect those involved, and to protect others from being preyed upon.

Now, there's a difference between speaking the truth in love and spreading gossip. Gossip is NEVER loving or productive, even if it is 100% true. I'm not a person of many secrets. I can be too bold and brash, I can err sometimes on compassion and sometimes err on conviction. I've made mistakes in life. I'm a fairly open book. But not everyone is, and everyone deserves dignity. Everyone's personal sins, perhaps even public ones, are not fodder for discussion. I don't believe it's possible to have a totally pure heart and motivation in the human sense THIS side of the veil, but we better be sure that our intentions are honest and godly in telling the truth. Most of all, they must be loving. If it doesn't serve a greater purpose, the purpose of love, what are we but clanging symbols and annoying noise? Destructive hooligans, even?

Sometimes, though, the truth must be told. It took six years for it to get to this point; six years of contemplation and prayer and counsel. And also, of trying every conceivable alley of attempting to resolve this privately. Essentially, our hand was forced at the end, but still we tried to do the right thing before God and for all involved, even if they couldn't agree on what that was, or couldn't understand why we were doing the things we were doing.

In my email to a pastor involved, I wrote the following (with uncovering details and names omitted):
First, I want to pause and once again communicate that I am not writing to shame anyone, or condemn anyone. I'm not trying to even a score, or even that I think (he) is an evil human being beyond redemption. I don't think that. I think he is a broken individual who desperately needs the *right* kind of help, and due to the secrets kept, has not received it. For this I feel partly responsible. It is not love to be a stumbling block, even if 'doing nothing' is that stumbling block. I also feel worried and terrible that other people potentially have been harmed, not knowing that piece of his character and trusting him before he could rightly be trusted. Wounds in the dark fester, but in the light there is healing. When you keep a secret like that, for so long, it cannot help but to hurt you. It certainly has harmed us; it has broken our family up in myriad ways and divided us. ... Furthermore, I would love to see him, a brother in Christ, fully restored and functional. I now realize that cannot happen until he gets help, and he won't get help when he has people to cover for him...

And as much as we can love and forgive as Christians, these actions cannot be ignored, explained away, or 'covered over.' Even if this was an isolated incident and that's all that had every happened, for true love and mercy and compassion to occur, true contrition and repentance and justice needed to have been served. But, it wasn't....

I can honestly say that I was motivated by love when I took the actions I took. And though you, or others, may not understand or agree with the actions I took and the actions my family took, please don't assume they were for malicious or ungodly reasons, or that our aim, our goal in productivity, was anything but true and REAL reconciliation.

Consistency

His eyes are red. He walks with his head down. How could he be called in, yet again, to a meeting with the pastor? Didn't he already explain? Wasn't his declaration of repentance enough?

He stops just outside the door, hesitating. He can feel his ears burning, they must be as red as his cried-out eyes, and for the same reason-shame. Shame he has felt, over and over. That one mistake never is just that--left in the past, left at the foot of the cross. Instead he is raked over the coals. It had been years-YEARS!-yet it was as if that one failure would haunt him forever. It was trying to mark him. Just when things had finally been going well. Just when it was almost over, the nightmare was almost behind him.

It was back. And now it was worse than ever.

He knew he was more than his past mistakes. He knew that God had forgiven him. He knew he'd tried to carve out a good life for himself, to forget, to forgive himself. He told himself about the times he'd tried to make reparation, and been shut out. He had done his part, hadn't he?

And now, walking into a new and what should have been joyous time of his life, it was back. Demanding justice. Demanding answers. Demanding he uncover his shame and yet again profess his regret. People he once trusted were now untrustworthy of his heart. People he once enjoyed camaraderie with looked the other way, whispering. People were talking about him, he could feel it. His private ugliness was now their dinner table talk.

He heaved a big sigh. What could he say? How could he face this again? What would his pastors say? He took a steadying breath, and opened his pastor's office door. Head up, chin trembling, the music would be faced and relived all over again.

I've been thinking a lot about love, mercy, justice, grace, and responsibility lately. Where does "Expel the immoral brother" and "Embrace him back into the fold" begin and end? What does loving someone well look like? Christ was as much of a grace-giver as he was a rebuker, and He had the harshest words for those who should know better. Where does that fit in to how those of us who have knowledge have a responsibility to heed it? Ignorance is one thing, but doing the wrong thing on purpose, willfully and brazenly and over and over, when is a sinful lifestyle embraced to be unsupported by those walking in holiness?

I know I don't have all the answers.

We know that nothing is impossible for God. Yet we also know He allows us to choose. We know that we are to speak in love and show mercy and grace and forgive, yet we are also to spur one another on in holiness. We say that if we are Christlike, we should show people love and kindness and forgiveness and grace and mercy. This is true. But if we are Christlike, should we not also show them godliness, holiness, clinging to what is good and abhoring what is evil? Should we not also speak out, as He did? Where does one end and one begin? If Christ forgives us, should we not also fully forgive? What does that mean, exactly, to forgive someone?

I don't have all the answers. I wrote a bit about it in my post about love.

What about Mr. Sinner above? We have all sinned and fallen short, right? How can we keep bringing up someone's past if they have resolved it in themselves or in between them and God? How is it possibly loving to uncover someone's past mistake and rub it in their face? For what, a sense of closure, a measure of 'justice'? What about the Church? What is the Church's responsibility? Does a pastor really have a right to call someone on the carpet, especially about an old, repented-of sin? Is it fair? What damage it must be doing to him, to have to rake up all those unresolved and painful things.

"We understand," they had said. Relief washed over him as his pace quickened. "We'll handle it," they said. Once again, the pettiness would be pushed aside, away from him. Would this be the final time they'd try it? He sure hoped so. "We know that you are forgiven, and we also forgive you. Don't worry about what you've done, just place yourself in God's hands and become who He means for you to be." Maybe now, with the support of his pastors, his accusers would fall silent. Maybe now he could move forward with his life. Maybe now the whispers would cease, and his friends would embrace him as they'd known him again.

No hoops to jump through, just grace. No accounting for his actions, just mercy. No worries for what he would face, just love. It seemed too good to be true. He thanked the Lord and thanked, in his heart, his pastors in whom he'd placed his trust. They had barely mentioned his sin, they just wanted to hear his side of the story. He was able to tell it without fear, and without judgment. Now, he felt free.

The story above is true. This next story is also true.

It had been years, now. She was no longer a teenager. Just a baby, on the cusp of womanhood, when her innocence was stolen from her. The man who raped her took more than her virginity; he took her sense of self. Of well-being. Of safety. Her newly 16-year-old body had known the most horrifying, insidious evil before it ever knew love.

Sometimes there were nightmares.

Mostly, she tried to forget. To put it behind her. Never did she go to the police, and refused to speak of it with the very small few that knew. Sometimes it was hard; once she saw his family, and nearly had a panic attack. Mostly it was easy. She was far away from him, from that circle of people.

Now that was about to change. Now he was back. Now he was knocking on the door of her family and demanding to be let in. What hope in this? What could she do? She didn't know, either what she wanted or what she should do. She wanted to be alone, to think, to process.

A knock on the door...a pastor's face. An olive branch from someone dear to her who was involved.

But the olive branch was no more than a new kind of bondage. "We want reconciliation" they smiled through their teeth. "We're going to let him in," they told her, feigning understanding. She felt trapped. What could she do but agree to their terms? She didn't want to do the wrong thing, and couldn't make a decision about what the right thing was. Too confused. Too much pain. They left from their ambush, and perhaps there was a sense of violation all over again.

The church, meant to be Christ's presence on earth, hadn't brought healing and reconciliation to her, but had sided instead with her rapist. Wanted to smooth it over so he could be part of her family as soon as possible. Her family, recoiling in horror, was thusly painted as wanting vengeance and not justice. Told they weren't very Christian in how they "handled" things. Mocked as crazy for wanting to wait on letting him in, wait to see if his supposed repentance was true.

His actions certainly showed he had not and would not repent. He told them he'd tried to make it right, but in fact, never had. He refused to submit himself to the authorities for justice, he couldn't come up with a way to make it right. He'd never even directly apologized to her. He'd told people he went for counseling, for help, but it was all a lie. He painted himself as the chagrined schoolboy eager to be free of his burden, but the only true part was that he was eager to be free of his responsibilities in the situation.

And now it was too late.

In one story, the church seems to triumph in its merciful display of love and grace. In the next story, the church utterly fails a vulnerable, broken, violated young woman in the name of love. They used the words 'grace' and 'mercy' as a cover-up for sin. They bullied a family broken by unresolved, unrepented for, unacknowledged sin. When it finally was acknowledged, no more than a breath of "whoopsie" given before they forced their agenda, which was to protect him and his interests at the cost of true justice, freedom and mercy. Where was the mercy for the girl? Where was the grace for the family? Why could one church seem to get it and one church fail?

They are the same church. And the two stories are actually one and the same.

Makes you think, doesn't it? It makes *me* hurt.

I believe we, as a church, need to examine ourselves when we extend grace and mercy and make sure that we are doing the right thing, in a way that doesn't cause harm. I'm not saying withhold mercy and grace, I'm just saying it might look different depending on the situation. Maybe we should worry less about our personal attachments and worry more about our personal convictions. After all, when Jesus is our moral compass, it doesn't matter who the sinner is, true love and true justice and true morality compels us to hold them accountable. It absolutely is the most loving thing to do. It doesn't matter who the victim is, true love and true justice and true morality compels us to embrace them and enable them to receive justice and closure and grace.

Anything less is the machinations of the enemy.

Anything that prevents us from experiencing healing, whether it be someone excusing your actions or someone excusing your rapist, is not Love, and is not of God. Let's strive to be consistent in the actual principles of love, instead of lackadaisical in our administrations. Are you a stumbling block to someone's growth? Is your church? What can we do to change it?

Swimming in Dichotomy - The Fullness of Love

I've been thinking lately about love. I've been noticing extreme camps on one side of the spectrum or the other, and often in reaction to each other, when it comes to things like mercy, justice, tolerance, grace, and love. I don't know why the extremes are the most vocal, but there you have it.

For instance, most of the liberal, card-carrying-democrat Christians I know believe in justice. They do believe that there is right and wrong in the world. And I have noticed that this is not usually ascribed to them by the more extreme right-side-of-the-politcal-spectrum folks. On the flip side, most all of the conservative, card-carrying-republican Christians I know believe in mercy, and have a tremendous amount of compassion. But to hear the left-wingers tell it, such folks wish to condemn the poor to die and that they care more about someone's sexual orientation than that person's basic human rights. It's not true, but it's the ugliness that spews forth.

And the same goes for love. There are people who err on the side of grace (and insist it's impossible to err there), and the people who err on the side of justice (and insist it's impossible to err there). And in an effort to distance themselves from each other, there's sort of this rabid escalation that leads nowhere, along with a healthy dose of finger-pointing and name-calling.

And yet, at the same time, sometimes what the "err on love" people tout as love simply isn't loving, though on the surface it appears that way. And the "err on justice" people may push an idea that they are so sure is fair and righteous, when it is actually selfish and inflammatory.

It's so ironic to me that people who care deeply about justice and truth could so unfairly and unjustly malign others that disagree with them on matters of opinion, and it's also ironic that people who care so deeply about mercy and acceptance and tolerance have none for the people who disagree with them.

I suppose that's human nature for you.

Still, I see threads of truth in both extremes. There is a place for straight-up justice, and a place for straight-up mercy, but I think that this messy world we live in often needs both at the same time. I believe that we need both truth and love, and that one must exist in tandem with the other, and in fact does. That mercy can be just, and that justice can be merciful. It doesn't *have* to be an 'either/or', and often what seems just is really convenience, and what seems merciful is really selfishness. That we are spewing platitudes on principles, when the practicality of walking out our values is more complicated than stricter immigration laws or implementing universal health care.

Tension exists between these two forces, yet they are both necessary. Often it seems our messages get misascribed and messed up...for a conservative, they may see that being loving to the homosexual community means speaking the truth and not being an enabler or a stumbling block to someone's sin. For a liberal Christian, that kind of behavior is nonsensical, just accept them for who they are because Jesus love and grace is radical. And that is nonsensical to the conservative Christian, because you can't have love without a measure of law. And so it seems both sides escalate their message to extremes, trying to one-up each other and shout over each other when there might be places they both could agree on and learn from. Some extremely on-the-right conservatives I know of (not personally, but yeah) call them derogatory names and won't even associate themselves with people who identify themselves as same-sex oriented. Um, pharisees much? Some extremely on-the-left Christians I know of do incredible Biblical gymnastics to try and make the scriptures say something they don't, so we can all quit arguing about it and move on. Um, pharisees much?

This is true of many issues, not just political ones. It could be something like, wearing head coverings versus a woman with a pink mohawk. One side is so sure that this is a law which must be followed to the letter, and the other is so sure that this is an area where we have choice and grace and freedom. Full disclosure, on that argument I fall in the latter camp. If I could pull it off and not look terrible, I totally would rock a pink mohawk. <3 But that doesn't mean I want to get into arguments with the head covering people and denigrate their views. If that's according to what the Lord has convicted them, who am I to judge? However, I probably wouldn't attend a church where it was required, as a member, to wear one, and if some law in the church at large or even the secular state tried to pass about it, you bet I'd fight it. :) I just hope I could fight it with tolerance and understanding.

It's like parenting...only a parent who hates their child and cares not for their long-term development withholds discipline and instruction. Because I love my children, I will correct them when they are wrong. I am not going to smile benevolently at my child's sticky-fingered candy swipe and just try to be more sickly-sweet and understanding. Because ultimately, that's not love. Allowing my child to believe that it's totally ok to steal, when in fact it violates God's clearly stated laws and our society's moral and legal code is setting them up to fail.

Try explaining that to a person who cares more about what everyone is feeling in the moment, though. It doesn't go well, trust me.

Unfortunately, parents don't always have the luxury of making sure their kid is happy at all times. We all want our kids to be happy, but it's not realistic to maintain it at all times--and is, in fact, stunting to emotional and psychological growth. But it might FEEL like a good goal. Because no kid likes to be corrected, or to be told 'no', yet what parent wants to see them in pain? Even though children have powerful impulses to do whatever it is that they want to do, we restrain them and teach them to restrain themselves because we love them. And at the time, it's messy, and it hurts, and they feel terrible. I remember feeling like I wanted or needed something and being told no...and how I felt so misunderstood, and if I could only have that thing I would be happy, and how betrayed and depressed it made me feel, and all the other numerous things that happen when we hear 'no'. But I was denied that thing so that I could experience a greater joy and freedom later.

Instead of trading in the now for the later, and feeling so progressive and compassionate and like they could pat themselves on the back for appearing so caring and generous and wonderful by making ME feel wonderful and validating what I was doing, I was fortunate to have parents who wanted to look out for the long term. Because they loved me. And they understood the value of denial, and suffering, and waiting, and rightness.

So I look around, and I see a lot of misunderstanding about my conservative brethren. I see a lot of fingers pointed, crying about a lack of grace or compassion. Because we aren't willing to, say, call abortion anything but murder, we must be heartless, thoughtless people with no care or concern for those who have made the choice to abort.

To me, that's like saying "Let's not call it RAPE, because there are people who have raped that regret it, so let's use a softer term." But I say, it's not loving to sugarcoat the truth...especially if, by sugarcoating the truth, you enable error. I believe that hiding truth behind nice words can sometimes be disrespectful. Sometimes it's the right thing to do, but in other cases--and I would argue abortion is one such case--I say, kowtowing to this idea that it's our responsibility to make other people happy isn't Biblical or productive. In fact, I think it's a form of pride, of selfishness, of slacktivism. Instead of meeting someone where they are at and helping them move beyond, instead of speaking the truth in love, instead of truly loving the person enough to be real with them, we hand them this false sense of love and security. And it diminishes those who have participated and those who have been victimized by it. It's like the difference between saying "Jews were murdered at Auschwitz" and "Hitler took care of a political problem at Auschwitz". We all know what happened at Auschwitz, especially those who are related to or even took part in it and no longer agree with their own actions, feeling remorse even. Having to live with it. Yet, it denies the personhood involved in the tragedy and thus lowers everyone to dance around the issue.

We don't want to get in and get messy, we don't want to offend, we don't want to talk about the difficult parts. We see the woman at the well and we want to stop right after Jesus says "I don't condemn you" and forget about the part where He says "Go and sin no more". We don't want to risk being misunderstood, rejected, or worse--the gospel rejected, so we trade in the journey for the cowardice. We want to talk about God being loving and merciful, but forget about the part where He is just and holy. We want to talk about how God loves everyone and tells us that the most important commandments are to love Him back and then love others, and not about the part where Jesus tells us that to love Him means we obey His commands. We forget that the Gospel is offensive, and the odor of death to those perishing. We say we acknowledge our sins, but we don't want to name them because it's painful. Or naming something sinful might be painful for someone else, so let's not. No one wants to be constantly condemned, nor should they be, by our words; and that's why sometimes it's the right thing to do to use soft term. For instance! It's helpful to NO ONE to use the term 'whore' when describing a prostitute, or especially, someone who has fallen and been impure outside of marriage. But we also must be careful and mindful, lest we accidentally lead someone astray from the truth.

What a shame that would truly be.

Because in the end, are we not being deceivers? Are we not being stumbling blocks? For...what? 30 silver pieces? I find it unloving to say "yeah, no worries man, we're all sinners, so go ahead and keep on sinning!" when Jesus says that the light and darkness have no fellowship, that He will spit out the lukewarm, that obedience is better than sacrifice. I find it unloving to minister to someone's temporary feelings but not to their longterm survival and ultimate happiness and security. I find it unloving to push the idea of grace without the practicality of love.

To best illustrate what I mean by that, I believe it's like saying that grace means always handing over that money to a drug addict when they ask because they want their next fix, believing that if we just keep on giving them grace and forgiving them, they'll change. When in fact, we are enabling and rewarding their very destruction! True love intervenes. True love does not do real harm, but brings real healing. True love is most gracious and merciful when it is concerned with someone's health and long term well-being rather than their temporary and fleeting happiness. True love is willing to be offensive, willing to be hated even, if it means that it will eventually bring about salvation. True love is always kind, but sometimes the kindest thing you can do is tell someone "no, that's not right", or allow them to experience the consequences of their actions. Because the truth is, love isn’t about making people feel good about their choices no matter what they are, love is about validating who they are despite them.

Justice and mercy go hand in hand, though they derive from opposing forces; yet, justice is often a merciful thing, and mercy is almost always just. Without the extremity of justice, we cannot fully understand or appreciate mercy, and without the depths of mercy, we cannot see justice for what it truly is. After all, the Cross is not a trifling matter. It's not just sort of groovy that we kind of messed up and that sucked but Jesus gave us a cosmic bandaid.

No.

The Cross is significant because it is the cosmic binding together of justice and mercy, and is the stark contrast between death and life, light and dark. Grace is amazing because the alternative is utter destruction.

Are there people in your life you are appeasing when you should be speaking the truth? Are they worth the truth, or do you only care enough to throw them a feel-good nibble?

I'm not saying we should be the morality police, legislatively or personally. I'm not saying you should go up to every person you know and point out their sins and faults. Seriously, don't do that, it's not kind either, and not what I'm talking about. I'm just saying we need to take a good, hard look at ourselves. Examine our beliefs and principles, examine our motivations. Is it really kind to give someone only cake for food, because that's what they believe they need or can only ever eat, or is it better to suggest a salad once in awhile? What IS kindness, love and grace REALLY? Fluffy happy feelings where nothing difficult or opposing is ever brought up, and no iron sharpening iron or challenge happens, just relativism? I don't think so.

Obviously there is a corollary to this, and that is being brutishly black-and-white. It's kind to be truthful, but it's also kind to be tactful and merciful. I know that I have a ton of faults and besetting sins, but I'm mostly aware of them thanksverymuch, and it would really hurt if people were constantly riding me about my progress or lack thereof. I don't think we should discount emotions and impulses and feelings. I don't think we should sit on a high horse passing judgment. If hard truth is to be spoken, it must be in love and humility, in the right time and place. I think we should be careful in our boldness, because we are only humans and not the Holy Spirit, and *we* can sin by being too abrasive or unkind or rubbing someone's face in their poor choices (aka condemnation).

For me, the balance is sometimes hard to strike. Sometimes, I err too much on the side of ooshy gooshy when I should be firm. Sometimes, I err too much on the side of hardline truth when I should have a soft, open, vulnerable and humble embrace. I wish I had all the answers and this ramble-jumble of not-entirely-cohesive and coherent thoughts was a how-to manual for everyone. But I don't, and this definitely isn't. These are just things I'm thinking about lately. Sometimes I am silent when I should speak up, and sometimes I speak up when I should have remained silent. Sometimes I am too blunt, sometimes I am too mealy-mouthed.

I know, I'm not perfect. You're all shocked, right? *crickets* ...riiiight? :P

A lot of this has come up for me lately because of being silent when I should have spoken up. Something really destructive and horrible has happened, and while I wasn't directly involved, I had knowledge of its beginnings. Instead of directing that knowledge to the right people, I felt powerless and that it wasn't my place. It wasn't my secret, or my happenstance, it just affected me and the people around me that I love. And it festered. For years. I hated myself for keeping a secret that was not mine to keep but not mine to reveal. And in the end, it has been a secret that should have been revealed and not kept, and I have to work on forgiving myself for that. Because it ended up a thousand times worse than it would have if things had been properly resolved years ago.

We were all trying to 'do the right thing', but I think we were really just trying to make all involved happy by doing what they asked with their mouths but didn't really want or need in their hearts, because doing the right thing would make both parties angry and upset. Of course, keeping everyone happy proved impossible. And while there was an uneasy peace, for years, now all of the filth and hurt and pain that was under the surface has exploded. It would have been far, far kinder for everyone involved to have taken decisive and just actions when we first learned of it. So in the name of tolerance, and extreme mercy and grace, and love and all of that, we actually did just the opposite. We thought we were being forgiving and fair, we thought we were being gracious and merciful, but in the end it turned out to be empty platitudes that made things worse.

Life lessons, yo. Not fun. But merciful of God, really. I keep thinking that my 'eternal weight of glory' must be getting heavier all the time. :P

I believe that we can love the unborn and love the mother at the same time. Exposing the truth of abortion does not mean the mothers must be left behind, without compassionate options and support. We can love the poor among us enough to think through a viable, real solution that doesn't trap them in a mindset and lifestyle of servitude and dependence upon us/the state, rather than settling for the "easy" solution that helps no one in the long run but sounds really compassionate. We can find a way for the sick and ill to be cared for compassionately and with quality without endless bureaucracy and taking away the ability for people to earn a living and for those earnings to count for them and their families.

Ultimately, my point is that what may look like callousness may in fact be compassion, and what looks like compassion may in fact be callousness. What looks like undeserving favor may in fact be fair and just, and what looks to be fair and just may in fact be undeserving favor in a negative way. We need to come together and listen, and learn that truth must be presented with humility and love, and yet that the actual practicality of love and grace and kindness walked out in reality may be truthful and difficult.

There is a holy, cosmic dynamic in the dichotomy of love/mercy/grace and truth/justice/righteousness that we will fail at but must try to achieve anyways, because we are called to Christlikeness and that is in fact what He was all about.

2011 Easter Baskets!

It's that time of year again! Easter baskets are a large part of our celebration around these parts. For me, they are a much bigger deal than carriers for plastic grass (ew, so bad for the environment AND your vacuum!!) and dyed eggs and brightly colored marshmallows. I mean, I'm cool with bunnies and marshmallows and all that. I just want to make sure that the baskets point to the reason for Easter, aren't consumeristic, and are in line with my purchasing principles.

I'm not the only one who finds significance in baskets and Easter. In fact, in the Orthodox branch off the Christian church they are a symbolic part of their celebration--interestingly, the symbolism is much like a seder plate. Seder is a traditional part of the Passover celebration.

This year I really struggled with what to put into the baskets, or what theme to do. We've been in process of moving and other chaos, and it really came down to the last minute. What I DID know is that I wanted to stay within my ideals. You know, not a lot of cheap plastic junk. Or wasteful spending/consuming. And it must reflect the reality of Easter. I did manage to decide on a basic theme--the purpose, the deeper meaning of and reason for Easter. We know the what...but WHY did Jesus die on the cross and WHY did He rise again and WHY was it all necessary? I wanted to convey the purpose of Easter, not just the facts of it.

And what is the deeper purpose, after all, but healing the separation between God and man? God deeply desires a living relationship with us, now and through eternity, but because He is just, it wasn't possible without Christ.

Much pondering and half-heartedly attempting to plan a couple of different ideas later, I was shopping on Good Friday of all days and seriously about to just give in and buy a pre-made basket full of junk. My heart was not in this idea, but I was out of time. I stopped in the middle of Target and prayed, earnestly, that I could honor Jesus in my purchasing and basketing and if He would please give me inspiration I would appreciate it.

And He did. I was picking up some more band-aids when it struck me: A FIRST AID KIT!!!!!! Honestly, it really was the Lord's inspiration and not mine, because I was able to go throughout the store and pick up different items, thinking instantly of a gospel-related verse or concept or both central to the theme of Easter's purpose. Both my girls are getting older, and I knew that my eldest would appreciate having her own first aid kit more than a couple of cheap new toys anyways, and my younger daughter most certainly would enjoy having her own set of bandaids and ointments and such. Ginger is really independent in that sense these days, and enjoys having her own things.



The Lord is our Great Physician, and I've always considered the purpose of the cross not punitive but relational. The purpose was to bring healing and relationship, not so much to punish. The propitiation of our sins was the vehicle, not the purpose, of the cross. While necessary, it served a higher purpose: unity. What a neat way to communicate such a concept! After labeling a bin with their name and "First Aid Kit" on it, I included a little paper note about prayers to pray when sick or sad or hurt, and how Jesus is our healer, etc. I also grouped items and attached pieces of paper to each saying what each item represented. If you mouseover any of the individual item pictures, including the thumbnails, you'll be able to read what I wrote on the paper.



For instance, I included some wipes and tissues and put this message on it: "We all get dirty! Fortunately these wipes and tissues will help us become clean again. Dirt is like sin, it messes up our looks and makes us stinky and grimy. We all sin, and that’s bad news because sin separates us from God. But Jesus died on the cross and rose from the grave to take away our sin, so that when we pray “Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin” from Psalm 51:2, we know that only Jesus can wash us, and He WILL cleanse us from our sin. “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:7-9".



Between all of the items in their kits, I believe I did a good job presenting the basic Gospel message with the deeper undercurrents of what Easter is really all about. It's not about sending some people to hell and making everyone afraid, or motivating us to 'turn or burn'. It's about God, the Infinite and Divine and Just, reaching out to His imperfect and blighted creation and returning us to our intended state while loving us despite the blight. On the bandaids, I wrote: "Bandaids are useful for covering over a wound like a scratch or cut. Without bandaids, wounds can be seen by everyone and might get infected with bad germs! The Bible says that love is like a bandaid. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8. That’s like what Jesus does for us! We have a wound called sin, and it’s Jesus love that covers us and heals us. He loves us so much!"





I included things that would be found in a typical first aid kit, like bandaids and ointment and such. I also included a few more...unorthodox ones. Like harmonicas. Because laughter is good medicine. :P



And of course I had to include a 'boo boo bear'. Every good first aid kit needs a cuddly stuffed animal to help you feel better!





We colored eggs the night before, and I filled a few re-used plastic eggs with candy. I snuck in to their bedroom and hid the eggs just before they woke up, leaving a trail of eggs to the baskets. :) I wish someone would hide eggs for me to find...one of my favorite childhood traditions!



The girls loved it, much to my delight! And we had a lovely little lesson all about the purpose of Easter, with our slips of paper and sweet conversations. Sometimes I am unsure if they are connecting the same dots I am connecting, even if I make it totally obvious, but I could tell that for at least some of the objects they understood! :)

Mardi Gras ~ A Year of Homeschooled Holidays

Since today is Palm Sunday, and it is a mere six days until our next holiday party, I figured I'd better post about March's holiday! >.>

Last year we observed St. Patrick's Day. We made hats, decorated cupcakes, had fun themed food and fellowship, and watched a video about St. Patrick.



This year we decided to celebrate Mardi Gras. While people often associate it with wild partying where "anything goes", it is meant to be so much more. In fact, it is meant to be the last hurrah of the ordinary as we seek to infuse ourselves with the extraordinary. It is a preparation and confession, a ridding ourselves of the last of the flesh before we enter into the season of Lent, a time of contemplation and anticipation.

So we threw a party! :) We learned about Mardi Gras and Lent, and ate delicious foods. My friend S made the best minestrone soup I've ever had plus some buttery, rich toasted parmesan bread.



I made a King Cake for dessert, though I was worried about baking plastic or a coin so I used a caramel instead. ;)



We also made Mardi Gras masks, put on our beads and danced!

Hello! And a homeschooling ramble...

Hello! *taps mic* Is this thing on? Anyone out there?

*crickets*

I know, I know. I've barely been around. This blog has been rather decidedly neglected in the past year. Which in bloggy land, is akin to bloggy death. So if no one reads this, I shan't be surprised. Also because I'm going to ramble about my plans for homeschooling next year, and that is probably uninteresting to most people. There have been a lot of things going on, thus the radio silence.

This is actually not normal for me, as I am an external processor and find the most release and most excellent processing through writing. But the things going on in my life have been so multitudinous, so huge, so frequent, so emotionally exhausting, so constant, and so private, I just haven't been able to write here. I haven't had time, and have frequently sat staring, thinking perhaps I could post about this topic or that, but feeling frozen at the same time, or unable to cheerily post about some cheerful and relevant topic when all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and disappear. I felt fake?

Things are not particularly looking up, but I am beginning to come out of the shock of it all and see the light at the end of the tunnel. We've moved, twice, and are in the midst of that second move and boxes and chaos everywhere. But I felt the unction to function in a way that didn't require thinking about where to stash this or that object or how best to arrange the cupboards.

So hi.

What's on my mind right now is school for next year. I am super excited about it. I wasn't excited about this year, due to being overwhelmed. In fact, I almost stuck the kids in public school, but after much thought and prayer and back and forth realized it would be too much change for them and wouldn't really alleviate my responsibilities to their education enough to make it worth it. So I packed the schedule with outside classes, even ones including core curriculum like math, and we've done our best to limp along. And so far, it's gone ok. The kids are behind in some areas, but ahead in others (or at "level"). We'll catch up, especially now that I'm more functional.

Anyways, one thing we did this year was join a Christian co-op. Previously, almost all of our outside classes have been through a public school program. Which I like; it's a program with its own building and classes, and it has a lot to offer while at the same time being fairly laid back. I love the community we've built there. I think I've made some lifelong friends, actually, and my kids feel the same. But, the classes are neutral to religion. Which is just fine, but I wanted to find something for my kids that incorporated our faith, especially since I do so at home. Personally I don't see how you *can't* incorporate your worldview into school, so that's something I've been very attentive to in our teacher choice and class choice there. After all, that's one of the reasons I homeschool! I also personally find it difficult to describe the amazingness of science and math and language properly without referring to its Creator. So I wanted my kids to see that connection as well.

Initially, what drew me to the co-op was actually a Latin class for Sparrow. And then I discovered so much more; and have really enjoyed dipping my toes into the community there as well. One thing I have been impressed with is the quality of academics. I guess it makes sense; homeschoolers tend to either be really laid back about it because hey, isn't that why we are homeschooling? or really WE MUST GIVE OUR CHILDREN THE BEST EDUCATION POSSIBLE because hey, isn't that why we are homeschooling? (I find myself embracing both these values, and learning to find the balance between strict academia and teaching the value and love of learning) I would say that most of these classes fall in the latter category, or in the middle leaning toward the latter. It's perfect for where Sparrow is right now. We'll see how it goes with Ginger; she only barely made the cut-off for Kindergarten this year, and I am somewhat concerned that the classes aimed at 1st-2nd graders will prove more than she is capable of emotionally. I'm just so not *in* to sitting that age group down and having that kind of focused classroom experience, but her classes all sound so amazing and interesting I figured we'd give it a shot.

That's another thing I'm excited about: the classes are really dynamic and interesting, and more suited to the way I present topics than a traditional school. For instance, Sparrow will be in a class that will be all about Da Vinci. It will incorporate art, science, language, history, culture, physics, inventions, etc. all centered around Da Vinci and rooted in a base of math. Ginger will be in a class about animals, but learning through the perspective of Rudyard Kipling's short stories, comparing and contrasting real animals with the fanciful ones in his books. So it will incorporate language arts, history, culture, and science. Me likey. Also me likey: I will be teaching! I love teaching, so this will hopefully be a good and fun experience. It's been *awhile* since I've taught a group of kids, so I'm a little nervous, but we'll see! I'm teaching a dance class for the first trimester (focusing on Irish Step Dancing) and a LEGO club throughout the year.

And what's nice is that now that I have that all squared away, I can really focus on what we want to take through the public school program next year. Of course, new classes haven't been decided on yet and we probably won't see them and sign up until June, but still. I have a good idea already of where the holes are and where the next school year is heading. Considering Sparrow will be in FIFTH GRADE (!!!!!!), this is good! I have activities every day of the workweek this year, and it has been exhaustifying. I'm hoping to cut down to two days ideally or two heavy days and one light day of classes. So that means, we'll probably only go one or two days at the other program, but try to pack more into one day. Right now we just take a few classes a couple of times a week.

Good times. Am I the only one planning out the next year of homeschooling while this one isn't even concluded? Or are there other crazy well-prepared people out there like me?